Marsel did not make it right in his first marriage. According to him, since he was a little boy, his parents had been so cold, untouching, and physically abusive towards him. As he grew up, he felt great difficulty touching and handling warm emotions. He acted out these unproductive patterns he learned as a child in his marriage. Today, he found himself continuing those ancient self-destructive patterns in his second marriage.
We can learn much about ourselves by looking at our history and how we act out our internal feelings in our relationships. If you’ve been angry, you possibly express anger in your relationships. If you are lonely, you tend to be possessive as your reaction to keep the other person from abandoning you. If you are in deep emotional trauma and pain, you’ll likely have relationships full of pain. If you have never received unconditional love or acceptance in your life, you will likely emotionally distance others to avoid triggering your love-wound.
The rubble of our personal history does not have to repeat itself into our present. We don’t have to regress and interact the way we did earlier in life. We can all choose to learn from our pain and make room to rebuild our selves. The task of personal healing and growth is largely internal rather than external. And understanding our “leftovers” from our dysfunctional past is helpful in understanding where we are now. A first major step is to become deeply aware of our selves, our patterns of interaction, and our ways of relating with others.
People who have painful love-wounds and experiences from the past will tend to repeat the patterns of their history in their lives and relationships. That is, until these past love-wounds and experiences are healed.