This week, I received a heartbreaking message from a divorced, 32-year-old Middle Eastern woman I’d call Riza. She is currently remarried after a time of promiscuity from the first divorce and left everything to be with her second husband in a foreign country.
After just less than a year of being with her second husband, Riza texted me the other night to pour out and describe her latest update. A part reads, “I have walked out and gone to international airport to leave the country as my self esteem is very broken with my husband.” What strikes me about Riza’ s declaration is that it’s her self esteem which got very broken, not the relationship with her husband.
I feel for Riza. My heart goes out to her. She is in a very painful place. Despite her natural beauty and “wanting to love and be loved,” Riza still finds her self empty and have not been making good progress learning to truly love and receiving love with the various men who passed by in her life. She has a “mountain” to climb but has to learn from the pain first about her self and her former love relationships before she can move on to climb the top.
Divorce or ending of a love relationship is especially traumatic and destructive for those who “love from an empty bucket.” If the center of your life and love is in your partner and the relationship dissolves, your center is suddenly removed. Since the bucket is empty, what else is left of you?
What could it be like if the loving is from a “full bucket” within a whole person? If loss, divorce, or ending of a love relationship comes, you would still experience pain and trauma. Of course. But it would not be so devastating and destructive because you love from a “full bucket.” You would still be a whole person.
Are you loving from an empty bucket or a full tank?