The Medicine of Forgiveness

Forgiving people is healthy. Life-giving. Not only for your mental, emotional, or spiritual health. But also physical health.

Science shows that our physical bodies can be ravaged by negative emotions. Cancer and other deadly diseases as well as depression-levels are high among non-forgivers.

I know a 45-year-old man who’s full of bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness in his heart. Over the years, he poisons his body with negative emotions.

Today, his life is at risk. He’s set to undergo two dangerous coronary surgeries.

Forgiveness is healthy.

It’s a forgiver’s project, not the trespasser’s. Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person.

I often hear people mean, “I’ll forgive you if you change or ask forgiveness.” That’s not how true forgiveness works to heal.

Forgiveness is unconditional. It says, “I forgive the person who wronged me regardless of whether or not the person repents.”

This doesn’t mean you sanction or condone the abusive behavior done. True forgiveness recognizes the reality of wrong done.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. Forgiveness is a separate construct from reconciliation.

People who truly forgive people heal. They set themselves free.

However, at the same time, they don’t assume that their forgiveness has necessarily influenced or made the other person repentant of the wrongs made.

In fact, many forgivers rightfully choose not to reconcile. They create significant boundaries between them and the unrepentant persons who hurt them.

Dr. Charles Zeiders, author and psychotherapist, writes:

“Human nature is fallen, and people are capable of sadism, abuse, and grotesque behaviors that will again hurt us … We forgive, but we do not pretend that the people we have forgiven have been touched … or that reconciliation is possible. Even though we forgive in this life, we might have to wait for the next life to enjoy full community with those who have harmed us.”

Who You Really Are When Alone

“Prison, I bless you!”

Alexander Solzhenitsyn, noted author of “The Gulag Archipelago,” once wrote those lines while in jail, just before he won the Nobel Prize.

He was blessed in jail. In the agony, painful aloneness of imprisonment, he found God and his usableness to Him.

There is the paradox!

You can bless your problem. You can bless your wound. You can bless your loneliness.

Before my work as a psychotherapist, I felt I had wasted years. I was a troubled individual since youth. I credit my turnaround in life to my years of loneliness and self-healing.

As Dr. Calvin Miller put it, “Character itself is often the gift of aloneness.”

In the heaviness of a crisis, you can choose to like being alone. You cannot like yourself and know your gift unless you do spend time alone.

Possibly, like Solzhenitzyn, you’ll someday look back on a productive life and say, “Prison, I bless you!”

Great men and women all knew how to be alone. They knew how to celebrate who they are.

It’s small wonder that from aloneness came the Einsteins, the Gandhis, the Jobs, the Bezos, the Mandelas, the apostle Pauls of human history.

The quiet life is amazing. It’s full of treasures. It’s where you can find your depths, your confidence, direction, and self-worth.

Enduring trauma and healing from it is always lonely work. You can feel so alone. Yet paradoxically, it can profit you.

When you’re alone, that’s when you discover who you really are. And how you can be greater than ever before.

Should I Take Drugs?

Drugs. They’re either prescription or nonprescription drugs. This includes vaccines, psych drugs, and other types of chemicals put into the body by medical procedures.

According to well-documented cases and statistics, hundreds of thousands of people die taking even the proper dosage of prescription and nonprescription drugs.

When one of my clients, Domingo, saw me, he was already full of nonprescription and prescription drugs in his body. He’s been taking them, including Ritalin (a psych drug), for over 3 years now.

What horrified him was the “side effects.” Since taking the drugs, he noticed how he progressively developed other long-term medical and mental health conditions.

It’s alarming. To say the least.

Drugs are poisons! That’s what this is showing us. They can make you sick and develop disease!

In psychiatry, this is especially so. Statistics show that majority of people who are treated by psychiatrists actually get worse! Psychiatrists always prescribe drugs to patients.

Brain drugs are some of the deadliest pharmaceuticals available today. Since psychiatrists prescribe these drugs, avoid them at all costs.

Do you know that virtually every violent act committed in schools was perpetrated by one on psychiatric medication? Research also shows that certain psychiatric drugs actually increase the propensity to commit suicide.

Each week, I’m with Dr. Galvez, a former health department secretary of the President. In our frequent health talks with other men in our group, he’s always advocating “natural cures.”

One of the very few MDs who practice medicine outside the mainstream, Dr. Galvez champions preventing and curing any disease through natural means.

In my opinion, we should take drugs only as a last resort. Only in severe or emergency cases, involving life and death. But not as a first resort.

There are natural cures more effective than drugs. There are nondrug and nonsurgical methods to prevent and cure almost all illness.

Especially mental illness.

But these natural cures are being suppressed and hidden from us by the pharmaceutical industry. Big business pharma.

You figure out the motive for such a thing. It’s as clear as what makes the world go round!

The Soul of Adulthood

This is a key psychological truth: struggle is good.

When you don’t have to struggle, you don’t heal and grow up. It’s the “soul” of maturity and adulthood.

Many times in therapy, individuals demand quick fixes amid the high drama of their lives. They avoid the pain of struggle. Those who become successful in this only prolongs their misery.

Rowena is spoiled, smothered, and coddled as a child. Her Mom does every basic chore for her, removing all comfort roadblocks from her path.

Now at 30, Rowena refuses to leave home. Her Mom likes doing things for her. Since home is an only place where she “runs the show,” she failed to learn the value of struggle.

Rowena is unable to leave home. She wants to continue studying in a university and receive allowances from Mom. She doesn’t want a job. She can’t.

In my own sessions with Rowena, she said that life feels cruel and depressing to her. She felt trapped in a fantasy world and emotional prison she could not understand.

Joining Rowena in therapy is her Mom. Over time, she realized the part she played, allowing Rowena to bargain, manipulate her, and pretty much run the show.

Mom just kept playing the game of “no struggle” for her child all these years. But now, she’s healing her self. She begins to address her own childhood shortage rather than continue projecting it to Rowena.

I’m reminded of one psychologist who said, “Struggle is easier when you’re not unconsciously controlled by the ghosts of your own past.”

Struggle is good. Without optimal doses of it, there is no growth and life. No reason to exist. No sense of accomplishment.

Welcome struggle!

Instead of running away from it, you embrace it. Through struggle, you grow up to be healthy and balanced.

BPD

Feeling chronically empty, bored, and numb, Lito, whom I met in the set of one GMA 7 TV shoot of “Out of Control,” desperately seeks “excitement.” To feel something, not to kill himself, he slashes his wrists and other parts of his body. He overdoses in alcohol and cigarettes, instigates brawls, and sexually acts up with multiple partners. He says, “I feel so dead, cutting myself and doing these other things are the only ways I know I’m alive.”

What I notice to be a “disorder that does not specialize,” BPD or borderline personality disorder, according the DSM-IV/V, is characterized by at least five of the following:  1. Impulsivity;  2. Unstable and intense interpersonal relations;  3. Inappropriate or intense anger;  4. Identity confusion;  5. Affective instability;  6. Problems being alone;  7. Physically self-destructive acts;  8. Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.

Individuals with BPD often experience unprocessed emotional wounds. That’s why BPD is also called and known as “emotionally unstable personality disorder.” Underneath the madness lies a deep emotional abandonment trauma. I’m reminded of a book on borderlines by Dr. Jerold Kreisman. His book’s title aptly describes a lurking overwhelming emotion inside a BPD:  “Don’t Leave Me, I Hate You.”  Because of the depth of abandonment wounds, clinicians working with BPD must walk a narrow path between giving support without rescuing and encouraging independence without signaling abandonment.

BPDs are known in mental health care to be one of the most difficult of patients to care for. There is usually a lot of work ahead to explore unconscious wounds that fuel breakdown on the surface. A lot of structure, consistency, and trust-building over time are needed to reach significant progress that leads to a point of stability and wholeness. There is no other way.