Celebrate the Process, Not the Result

A new year slogan says, “The best is yet to come!”

I like that. In my experience, and in the experience of a great many people, it can be true or inspiring a lot of times.

In my case, I’ve learned to just need to wait a while, get single-minded, probe more, take action more, to receive my best.

To receive the best that’s yet to come, here’s a well-proven tip: patience in the midst of process.

A broken-hearted, traumatized woman once asked me, “How long is therapy going to take to heal her pain of childhood abuse and rape?” She’s still receiving therapy for months for problems rooted in the terrible trauma of 20 years ago.

If you or someone is in the process of therapy, have patience. Healing from disease or injuries – whether physical or emotional – can take months, even years, especially when advanced. The best to come is one of deep-process healing and then strengthening for the future.

A major part of the process of psychological and spiritual healing is not only dealing with wounds from the past. It also involves acquiring skills, strategies, and new perspectives for facing the future in a healthy way. It calls for new ways of thinking, feeling, responding, behaving, and relating.

Don’t allow your self to be discouraged when your best life is not instantaneous. Individuals who are truly going to be healed from lingering emotional wounds are going to have to walk through a process that takes time.

Not only are you to be encouraged and steadfast in working through the process. But you are to be joyful that you’re on the way out! To freedom. To healing and wholeness. To your best life ever.

As Jeff Goins, one of my favorite writers, put it, “If you can celebrate the process, you can enjoy the outcome.” Measure the process, not the results.

This is critically important towards your way to “receive the best yet to come” in your life.

A Secret to Survive Trauma

Surviving any trauma or crisis involves the ability to “withstand painful feelings.” I know it can be so difficult to do.

That holds true especially when you’re going through deep, wounding emotional experiences, such as betrayal, infidelity, rejection, or abandonment.

Yet if you’re to survive, you do need to be a person of this essential ability within you.

I’m reminded of lawyer Wendy, an excellent example of such a person. When she saw me, she was in much pain and humiliation because of her husband’s infidelity and lack of remorse.

Yet she endured these painful, uncomfortable feelings. She sought help and counsel, took vacation breaks, enlarged her circle of support, and was able to resume her responsibilities as a working mother to her children.

The ability to “withstand painful feelings” means learning to live with such feelings without being overwhelmed ot immobilized by rage, depression, or anxiety.

That involves objectively understanding what happened, facing issues raised, and integrating the event in your life. A survivor puts the trauma or crisis into perspective, think the issues through, and learn to charge neutral or be less emotionally reactive so he can get to the “other side.”

Therapy is usually geared towards helping you through the process of integrating the trauma, crisis, or event in your life. Knowing and developing cognitive skills will lessen the toxicity of emotions produced by thinking distortions.

Such is crucial so you can be detached enough to problem solve.

Wellness … Inspite of Pain

Pain is a place for the mind and soul. It’s an inevitable part of life.

We’re often unable to fully understand the substance of our self. But our willingness to go deeper and experience the pains of life can make us find this true substance.

…. and wellness in spite of them.

Pain is not just physical. Mother Teresa was once quoted saying that the worst disease in the world is not leprosy or tuberculosis but the feeling of being unwanted, unloved, and abandoned by every one.

Life’s pain also includes the non-physical, the emotional, relational, and spiritual pain. It’s so because the self is of many components, one but of many parts.

In psychotherapy, there is mostly this type of pain. A lot of psychopathology and socially unacceptable behavior is really a heart cry to be loved and accepted.

Few people ever come out directly declaring this aspect of pain in their lives. But the behaviors and feelings manifested say it loud and clear.

How then do you find wellness … in spite of your pain?

Christopher is a millionaire doctor and sought-after life coach. He is only after he survived financial bankruptcy, his wife’s infidelity, and family estrangement.

He shared his hints that we can all learn from: “I just accept and bear it and every moment choose to be present in the Presence.”

Anxiety is known to stimulate pain. Christopher learned to conquer that through solitude, Scripture, and prayers.

He learned to experience wellness amidst his varied pains, even at times eliminate the pain, by changing his attitudes, perceptions, and behaviors.

An anonymous writer once wrote about a secret formula: “Suffering is not a question that demands an answer; it’s not a problem that demands a solution; it’s a mystery which demands a Presence.”

Yes, you can experience wellness … in spite of your pain or suffering.

Apply the secret.

Healing a Troubled Marriage

Every human being is designed to love and be loved. Things are designed to be used.

A big reason why much in our relationships are in chaos is because we use people and things are ones loved by us.

I’ve once a married couple in therapy that lasted for about a year. Both of them came from very wealthy families.

Their lives together is laced with separate businesses, bank accounts, and managed properties. They “profit” from each other’s ventures.

In my working with them in our sessions, I could not be sure if marriage is truly the best word to describe their relationship. You see, since marriage, they never “dated.” Sex stopped for decades. They lived their lives as if they’re co-dorm mates.

Until one day. The wife discovered her husband having affairs with multiple women. One of them was housed in one of their condominium properties. Their world crashed. And both of them declared they still “love” each other.

It’s a deep mess. The unfaithful husband apologized for his betrayal. He assured his wife that he was letting go of the other women. And he agreed to his wife’s requirement for them to go through personal and marital therapy.

Both of their lives had not been easy despite their families’ affluence. They told me repeatedly of tales of abandonment, the drugs, the alcohol, and the lonely nights that define their past.

They speak of dysfunction freely of their families of origin. It was as much a part of their story as what happened to them in their relationship.

In therapy, they developed emergent awareness and honesty. When they’d learned to be honest, they’d become aware that much of their relationship with each other is focused on “things.” They used each other to increase these “things.”

And in the course of doing so, they missed each other’s persons.

Indeed, our pockets may be full. But our hearts are empty. Love people, not things. It’s the path to better living, your best self and relationships ever.

Self Parenting

Once, during a quiet evening, I saw and heard this over TV Channel 7 broadcast, “Paano ka mag-aalaga ng bata kung ikaw ay bata rin?”

It struck me a lot. A therapeutic question!

How indeed do you bring up your child when you’re a child yourself?

That question gave me one of my most insightful points during a self parenting seminar that I did for  a large, South Manila-based school.

Around a hundred people or more came (fathers and mothers, teachers, principal, guidance counselors, including the wives of the municipality’s mayor and congressman).

It’s a different kind of parenting seminar. That’s because my focus was on the parents themselves and not on the children.

In the seminar, I shared about inner healing and character formation of the parents first before they can apply healthy parenting techniques to their children.

I also shared about my own parenting journey. My ups and downs. My mistakes and joys.

More than a psychotherapist, I’m a human father with three children. I’ve known and experienced how essential it is to be an “adult father,” not a “child father.”

I hope to reach out to more parents in this area of “self-parenting.” I’m not an expert on child rearing techniques (others can more effectively teach that!).

But I believe I’ve been raised in a unique way to teach well on how to “parent one’s self” and heal the “inner child” as a foundation for authentic, longterm, healthy parenting of children.

I know. I’ve been there.

And I’m thankful for the opportunity to experience it first-hand myself.

Therapy Without Leaving Home

It used to be a traditional way. I once worked all the time in the office, with armchair and tools.

But with it, the problem of the high costs of wasted time enduring more than a couple of hours travel each day to office.

The cost of fuel, not factoring in medical costs of my increasing weight, blood pressure, traffic-anxiety, and fatigue, significantly reduced my joy and effectiveness.

I’m glad times have changed. With the growth of the mobile and the internet, society has progressively moved work channels from the physical to the digital.

The lines between work and life are being erased in the process. Time and money are saved. The threat of burnout and mental health challenges get to be addressed.

Distance is no longer a problem between people engaged in a working process.

Whenever I do Skype or phone sessions with counsellees from the Philippines, Qatar/Dubai, Australia, USA, Japan, or anywhere else around the world, I’ve come to feel that I’m more productive and refreshed working remotely than when sedentarily confined in a clinic cubicle.

I’m glad I can do running or recharging while helping anyone, anywhere!

Productivity appears more in the comfort of home or natural environs of individuals engaged in life session. The domino effect is the natural fruit of seeing that the main value exists not in the structure of a fixed physical space of an office – but in the value of output made.

I think I’m not alone in believing this to be so in our times.

The working world in general is more and more showing a a rising trend of decreased need for a central physical hub to do work.

I’m reading US National Library of Medicine, which suggests that remote, digitally-based workers have higher performance outputs.

The less office means increased productivity by up to 70%, according to Time Doctor Stats.

With technology spurring growth and saving costs, don’t be surprised if you see me championing a non-traditional office-less “psychotherapy without borders.”

Via Skype or phone. Or, in coffee shops, beaches, or malls. It’s organic. Natural life flow. Time/cost-effective. In short, a more healthy option towards your search for healing and wholeness in your life.

Spotting An Untreated Addict

“I can handle it by myself.” “Let’s not talk about it.”

I don’t know about you, but I never miss untreated addicts – alcoholics, gamblers, sex/affair addicts, etc. – saying these two “cover-ups.” These are common “walls” constructed by those who are unwilling to heal.

When a spouse or family members realize that the problem has worsened, they’ve already lived in a delusional world of denial and lies with their addicted loved one.

Addicts deceive. They rationalize a lot to cover up evidences of the intensity of their addiction. They avoid responsibility, claiming nothing can be done and yet trying everything possible to hide the problem.

Denial and minimization are an addict’s major weapons. Never believe an untreated addict. If you’re a loved one, it’s healthier for you to listen more to what they do than what they say … unless you want your misery to continue on.

Helping yourself or an addicted loved one move into recovery can be a complicated endeavor. What has taken many years or months to develop cannot be undone overnight or in a day.

Rehabilitation can be a long process. Yet compared to the progression and life damage of the addiction, it’s an easy and long-term solution.

But the spouse or family members need to move out of denial and enabling. They must be willing to do what it takes and expend as much energy as possible to rehabilitate their addicted loved one.